Neuro Enhancement

By Jeff Schoener

We have all experienced loss of some kind.  This may have occurred in a moment, or in a series of moments.  (See last issue article entitled; “Do You Have a Moment?”).  This loss may include time, innocence, freedom, security, health, family and possessions.  Around each of these aspects of loss, we also tend to hold onto fear, and that fear is often aligned with doubt.  These are the properties surrounding change.

Early in December 2008 I personally experienced the loss of a loved one.  This, to me, brought into focus this fact of life.  Change happens with or without our consent.  While we were all in shock of this sudden loss, we seemed to handle this change aspect by personality.  Always protecting ourselves, we all felt deep loss and sorrow, yet this loss was handled differently via personality.

Each with purpose, we attempted to wrap our minds around this incident.  Some by denial of the event, some others felt overwhelming guilt, others held onto the pain and frustration of having lost the illusion of control.  Still, some others focused at tasks at hand.  Seeking comfort in an attempt to keep things in perspective, many worked towards regaining a semblance of control and order.  Emotions freely flowed from the grievers and the mourners.  Yet, perspective was more easily gained by those who went beyond themselves.  For moments they went outside of their emotions and looked to the comfort of others.  This is the most natural process there is.  My question became, when is this acceptable and within whose timeframe?

How do you deal with loss?  Do you appreciate exactly what we are graced with while in the feelings of grief and loss?  Most people do not.  There are surprisingly simple ways, as you start to understand different perspectives of moments in time.  Consider, for a moment, those who would latch onto the grief or the loss as the newest focal point of their lives.  For them this grieving process is without end.  They often grow into victims of loss.  Others ease their personal pain by finding different and more positive ways of dealing with the loss. These are the ones I will speak to in this writing.

We currently live in a world where political correctness applies cookie cutter approaches to individual behavior through affirmative action(s).  Young children today engage in sporting activities with no clear winner or loser.  We have grown a new breed of those who feel entitled, without always knowing how to navigate difficult aspects of life because role models are disappearing and personally expressed rationalizations are becoming accepted.  There are fewer society elders today, who are influential in correcting poor behavior as they teach about life transitions and initiations.   While we have grief counselors, we do not have enough mentors in terms of loss.  These counselors generally use Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the Five Stages of Grief.  The stages are:

· Denial

· Anger

· Bargaining

· Depression

· Acceptance

While she admitted that not everyone moves through all of these phases, she held that people will always experience at least two.

It is my supposition that an individual need not go through any of these once they hold the appropriate foundations.  While a few will appreciate wallowing in depression, anger or denial, the only stage one must come close to is the acceptance in the fact that you are currently alive..  This may be accomplished in two steps.

1. When the feeling of loss is fresh, or inevitable, notice that there will come a day in your future where this loss will become manageable.

In this way you will know the loss in survivable.  You will also immediately begin to program yourself for life after the initial pain.  Plan towards that day and adjust your thoughts followed by your actions.  By doing this, you will help keep your life in perspective.  If this was the loss of a job or a thing, this loss may even start to lose its significance.  If you lost someone, you will honor them and yourself by living a quality life.

2. Focus upon what is newly important.

Before the loss, we all fall into a sense of security.  We hold the illusion of control as if we have greater power over things than we do.  When things fall away, and when the hurt subsides, we begin to achieve greater clarity as to what is important in our lives.  The minutia falls away.  We hold a gift of this moment as defining what we may control and what we may influence.  If you find this difficult, imagine your successes as something that will do you proud in the eyes of those you may have lost.  At the same time, imagine your success as something that will irritate those who do not wish you well.

Currently we live in interesting times.  There is a great deal of new.  Many want to cling to the old.  Attitude from financial to political bring upheavals resounding with feelings of uncertainty.  This wavering hesitancy may even continue for some time to come.  While some changes may not weigh as heavily as life and death, they are all important in terms of personal aspects of growth.  In order to become ready for these changes or any other, adjust your intentions to become far more flexible, both in your thinking and in the behaviors that lead to positive action.  Smile and remember, as you do these steps, you will find grace both in loss and in gain.  These steps will serve you for years to come.

©2009 Jeff Schoener, Neuro-Enhancement Strategies

Written by Jeff Schoener

With bail outs, economic confusion and a rush to blame, one joke keeps coming to mind. How do you know when a politician is lying?  Their lips are moving. Distractions and diversion are known tools of stage magicians, yet these same tools are held ready and easily used within political realms.

Before I go any further, allow me to define political realm.  Within every executive position from parent to corporate CEO, there are moments of flexibility and savvy that will instill a level of trust and confidence in order to make any move.  The integrity in which the move is made may be in question, the trust and the ability to follow is not.  These skills are useful in interviews and holding onto a job.  It should also be noted that some of the finest leaders also know how to follow.  The reality is that when an individual stands alone, even when history proves that they were correct in action or deed, is often said to be a rebel and a trouble maker.  This of course is far from fair.  Life is often unfair.

Whenever people operate, it is useful to remember that we are related to pack animals by nature.  You see, we feel secure in a group.  It comforts others when we are like them.  It comforts us when they are like us.  The ones who rise to the top of the pack are generally the ones who display leadership abilities.  In some cases they instill fear.  In others they inspire vision.  Some even inspire good feelings.  They do this by simply mirroring and matching behaviors.  We forgive them if they use phrases that we don’t, in fact if we like them enough, we as a group may start using the same phrases.  Mirroring and matching are said to be ways of rapport, yet that is too simplistic.  They are aspects of unconscious recognitions in order for the rest of the group to feel something.  We may feel safe, warm and cared for.

We may also, as a group feel betrayed, used and lied to.  These skills go well beyond advertising and pollsters.  As a group we may collectively have a change of heart, moving in the direction from like to dislike, or more specifically un-like.  Some do this naturally.  For others matching, pacing and leading are learned skills.  The one aspect that may not be easily feigned must be integrity mixed with intention beyond oneself.  Consider how many of them hold the integrity of what brought them to the top.  Not as many as we would hope.  Yet we still allow those ‘like us’ or appear to match the image of the office to take the stage.

Most people wait, they seek out leadership, they prefer to follow.  Mainly for a place to focus blame on others, while others just do not want the responsibility.  Sadly fewer people want the responsibility that taking the lead requires.  Those who claim to want the position all too often fall back into their personal intentions.  At this time they seem to lose integrity with the masses.  At this point it is too late.  The time to have solidified integrity with appropriate intention is long before one takes the position of leader.  Otherwise they only hold the illusion until the next leader comes along.

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