The simplest misguided piece of advice to any caregiver is to ‘reduce stress’.  Sound advice, yet in the moment approaching a moment of impending stress, most relaxation advice goes out the proverbial window unless you care enough to prepare.

• Take slow deep breaths, this will work before you serve your charge and will serve you while you serve.
• Organize before you meet your charge.  This gives you a sense of order and allows you to efficiently flow.
• Make flexibility your friend.  When something comes up to interrupt an order, quickly reorder your priorities by importance and caring relevance.
• Begin each task with a smile.  This is not always easy so maintain your sense of humor.  Know that you will laugh about it whether now or later.
• Clear the air, literally.  Both mildly scented candles or baked goods may spark memories of pleasant times and help both caregiver and care receiver for more engaging and meaningful conversation
• Put my previous tips into practice.

Remember that you are performing the most loving act there is, caring for another.  As a family caregiver, you may be caring for someone who has cared for you.

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Folks all across the United States of America this week are preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving.  We spend time with family and friends, sharing an elaborately prepared delicious meal, laughter, memories and gratitude.  Traditionally, we eat turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie.  Traditions ground us and center us.

Traditions may also cause us to fall into rut-like patterns.  What we say, how we react to others may also become routine.  Routines may even predict the outcomes of interactions.  They become boring, irritating and may lead to greater frustration.

Be determined to do something differently:

• Take a few extra moments to think about what may be best for you.
• Take a few minutes to think of what would be best for the person you are caring.
• Ask them what they think and be considerate of  their answer instead of assuming based on previous interactions.
• If you are going some place they might enjoy, allow extra time and provision to bring them along.
• Engage them in new thought and different conversations.

Vary within a particular routine.  For example, times for meals and medications should remain on specific schedules, doing things a bit differently may make a world of difference to you, your charge as well as the relationship to each of you.

Have a Happy Holiday season!

Caregiving is difficult at the best of times.  When the one you are caring for feels stressed, the act of caring becomes far more difficult.  Disorientation, confusion, lack of sleep and irregular medication and meal schedules may magnify these conditions.  This may cause the recipient of care to feel anger, frustration and powerlessness.  Many may lash out.  In order to minimize this, remember these tips to reduce the levels of stress for the one you care for:

• Remain as calm and loving as you can.  A smile and loving tone may remind them that you are there to help.
• Listen to them, even if you have heard it before.  They will feel that they are important.
• Maintain your sense of humor.  Smile warmly.  Learn some jokes and stories to share.
• Sing a song and encourage them to sing along.

When they begin to enjoy, they will be less likely to fight the hand that helps them.

Caregiver planning action instead of reacting in the midst of a crisis requires some thought.

Too many feel overwhelmed.  Immediate pressures combined with the distinct feelings of a lack of time contribute to reacting.  In order to find the resources to act consider acting upon the following:

• Be discerning with whom you leave in charge.  Your thoughts will be with your care-receiver in the hands of one whom you trust.
• List medications and the times to take them, share with your network.
• Remember to keep your network updated to changes. This includes e-mail updates for family and friends who are not local or even out of the country.
• List phone numbers, routes and directions to doctors, pharmacies and hospitals.  This will help you in terms of crisis moments and others if you are immediately away.
• Learn as much as you can from the internet and support groups.  This includes medications side effects and interactions as well as disease and diagnosis.
• List family contact names and numbers for your charge to call in the event of emergency.

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Being a caregiver is a constant series of choices that are meant for the person or people you are caring for.  Yet most family caregivers fail to make the appropriate choices for the moments when they are not physically there.  From trips to the market, to going into work many decisions are done in the moment.  This may work well if you have a solid support system in place.  Sadly, most family caregivers are so overwhelmed, they don’t take the time to emotionally disconnect in order to bring them better, more discerning care through people who want to genuinely help as opposed to people who are just there and may feel put upon. Here are some things to think about.

• Learn as much as you can about what afflicts your care receiver
• Seek out support groups
• When you find a shoulder to cry on, make certain of their sincerity.  They may allow you a safe place once or twice only to allow their own insecurities and frustration to shine through.  This chips away at your support in a very short period of time.
• Invite siblings and relatives to help, even if it is long distance. moral support and a flood of fresh ideas and perspectives often give way to better care for yourself and your charge.
• Narrow down your circle of help to only those who want to help.  Find out how they want to help and allow them to do that which they will excel.  In this way you will have backup allies.

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Modify your internal dialogue and Summer-ize your brain no matter what season you’re in.

In order to begin this process, ask yourself a self- probing question such as, “What keeps you stuck?”

Notice where and when you find yourself overwhelmed or distracted.  In this way you will become far more aware of the sub-modalities and locations.

1)    As you think to yourself, or say to yourself, notice the feelings.  Is there heaviness or lightness?  Is there a lack of focus?  Or perhaps there is a heightened focus and you are missing what is peripheral.  Do you notice emotions moving through you?

2)    Become aware of what is internally being said or heard.  Do you notice sounds?  Are those sounds voices?  If so, whose voices?  What directions, relative to your person are those sounds coming from?  In what direction are they going?

3)    Once you are more aware of those sounds, begin to change them.  If the sound is mono, change it to stereo.  Notice how you feel.  Is it better or worse?  Continue through the modality list accompanying this newsletter.

4)    Now notice that you may at any time change your internal dialogue and change your feelings for the better.

If your internal dialogue is too loud, soften it:  If your internal dialogue is that of someone who should live outside of your head, change it.  Remember, this is your brain and you may control it in any way that serves you best.

The most difficult question I ask is, ‘What do you want?”  People will answer this question often without really knowing.  While shifting perspectives are major parts of my teaching, until one understands the difference they cling to a particular singular point of view.  It is generally from differing points of view that offer understanding of the distinctions in what we want or need.  This awareness will effect any decision that influences course of your life. This is extremely true in the cases of finding a long term mate or your next failed romance.