Read about Jeff’s story as a family caregiver and how the skills he has both learned and created can help you too.
My Story
Hi, my name is Jeff Schoener and I am just like you.
It doesn’t really matter what brought you to caregiving. What does matter is that you currently live a stressful life in the service of others. You know you need some type of mental and emotional relief. How do I know? I, like you became a caregiver to my ailing elderly parents. My sister said that it was because I was single and available, yet there was something more. I became an advocate for their well‐being and for their protection.
This took a great deal of time and added more emotional tension to my life then I planned. The day‐to‐day anxiety began to take a toll. I became exhausted both mentally and physically. I also felt emotionally trapped. As tired as I became, I still had to tend to my parents and produce on my job. I developed some skills that served my situation.
Later as I learned NLP and DHE™ I helped to evolve these skills into extremely useful, fun and quick exercises. More than coping skills you will be able to integrate these into your daily lives. I have helped many who have dedicated even a part of their lives in the care of another. I did it for my own parents and will continue in service to you.
As we approach the birthday of these United States of America, there is a current paradoxical divide. Who are the patriots? Are they conservative? Are they liberal? Are they stuck in the old, or are they progressive? America has been referred to as the land of the free. Freedom, be they rights or privileges.
When any politician speaks of the country moving forward, they assume that each American is facing in the same direction and wants to proceed with the same gait. The strength of our Union is our individual sense of self, and when need be, we will set our own ego aside in order to give selflessly to our family and our community, either locally or world wide. Men and women are willing to commit the ultimate sacrifice, lay down their lives for an ideal that was conceived in liberty where all men are created equal.
These documents, written at another time by our founding fathers with the support of our founding mothers, still hold certain inalienable rights for America’s citizens and all of those who aspire to be free. They are specifically vague in order to allow us individual freedom of thought, action and personal responsibility. Take some time to remember, between the beaches, the barbeques and the fireworks, everyone who serves this nation has taken an oath to preserve and defend the constitution. Let us freely remind them of their responsibility to uphold that oath.
If you missed it the first go-around, you can now join Jeff being interviewed by host Lillian Brummet of Conscious Discussions Internet Radio Show on the topic “Caregiving for Caregivers”.
Years ago I was told a story of a man and a boy out for a walk. They saw a rabbit being chased by a dog. The man asked the boy, “Who do you think will win?” The boy said he thought the dog would win as it is bigger, stronger and has a longer stride. The man then said to the boy, “The dog is running for its supper, the rabbit is running for its life!”
This answer stuck with me as definitive until I began working with business clients. They helped me gain new perspectives. How hungry is the dog really? What does the rabbit have to live for? A company that is too complacent may forget how important life is. Consider the lesson of IBM and the desktop computer. IBM was the computer giant who never believed there could be a need or desire for portable computing. Hungry and focused were the young insightful inventors who became the industry upstarts. This is but one of many examples.
A single misstep or distraction could easily change the outcome. The size, muscle mass and flexibility of an individual or a group should be equally compared to desire. We cannot guarantee a clear winner, we can only modify the odds in terms of how much we want something and how smart and focused we are in terms of specific action.
Rights and privilege. In today’s society people seem to use these phrases interchangeably. Some people feel that they are so privileged that certainly they have the right to anything they desire, often without effort or sacrifice. We live in a nation where there are many who have lost their balance.
The dictionary definition of privilege is “a grant of benefits or rights beyond the advantages of most”. It is our right to strive for all we want, and there is a good reason to strive and not demand. There is an ancient curse that says, ‘May you get everything you want’. On the surface, this seems like a blessing. Once we are granted more, we individually hold even greater responsibilities. How often do we want the blessings without the responsibility? Only through time, effort and sacrifice will we understand the value of what we gain and what the future brings to us. The word ‘rights’ is often also confused with ‘liberty’ – being free from restriction or control. This concept too comes with levels of responsibility.
Concepts of privileges and rights must be balanced by a proper measure in both gratitude for our ability in sacrifice, as well as our responsibility for the outcome.
It is with my deepest gratitude that I say ‘thank you’ for the ultimate sacrifice of all the brave men and women who have fought for my rights and my privileges on this Memorial Day.
If you missed it the first go-around, you can now join Jeff being interviewed by author Soul Dancer, of the book by the same title. Show topic: When YOU stop complaining YOU will start learning how to be paid what you are worth.
The more life seems difficult, many of us are advised to hold on tight until this part of the ride smoothes over. For others, the advice is to let go and ride the current or the wave.
What if you get both pieces of advice? How could we possibly do both at the same time? Letting go and holding on seems incongruent. Systematically the tighter our grip, the less we may ease up.
Within linear thought this concept is a bit confusing to the point of an unknown Abbot and Costello comedy routine. Paradoxically, from different perspectives, this concept makes sense. Let us play with the metaphor around the action and notice the perceptual shift. If we think of ‘life’ as a boat with a steering control, letting go is quite different than thinking of ‘life as a rough sea. The vehicle we are holding onto must let go and ride out the storm. If we only perceive the boat, we fail to know when there is an end. If we only perceive the storm, the boat appears to have no control at all. If we hold our course, aimed into the storm and ride it out, the rough will calm and the boat will have taken little or no damage. We would have held on and let go in a paradoxically perfect way.
You often dream of having a fulfilling relationship in love and intimacy. Something is holding you back from achieving your desire. You learn there is a solution or applicable technique to attain this. What do you think would prevent you from using it?
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Jeff's Blog|Posted on April 22, 2010
By Jeff Schoener
Vince Lombardi, the inspirational Green Bay Packers coach has been credited as saying:
“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” He also said, “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.”
There are some motivational coaches who will wind their clients up emotionally and as if an arrow removed from a quiver, shoot them in a direction.
“I shot an arrow into the air, It fell to earth, I knew not where;For, so swiftly it flew, the sight could not follow it in its flight.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Vince Lombardi also said “The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender.”
This may work well for some. Consider the approach we take towards success in any area of our lives. Keep our eye-on-the-prize attitude is a simplistic metaphor. I encourage you to add an additional one from boxing. How many of us will immediately get back up and as soon as our eyes regain focus we seem to be knocked down again?
In incorporating metaphors, Vince Lombardi also said, “We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.” Boxers are taught how to pay attention to the seconds between reengaging their opponent and taking a few extra moments. If we take just a few extra seconds, we can refocus as well as readjust our strategies that will bring us closer to our goal. This will also bring us a level of awareness of where our oppositions lay. Take the time.
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Jeff's Blog|Posted on April 18, 2010
By Jeff Schoener
News of major upheavals lately occur each week. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions all are nature’s way of saying change will happen with or without our permission. Like it or not, people’s lives are constantly in a state of perpetual change.
Every day someone will die or lose their home, their job or their fortune. How easy it is then to lose perspective. It is also difficult to maintain a smile when the sadness seems all about, staring into the face of adversity as the future seems inevitable.
Decisions, illusions, confusions are in no-shot supply and Nay-Sayers are also plentiful. What is one to do? Where can one go? Take a moment, find a quiet place and go inside of yourself. Realize that nothing is permanent and only change is guaranteed. By shifting your focus from the dire and refocusing upon this thought–each day babies are born and flowers bloom. Teaming with new life, consider each new moment, pregnant with possibilities for wonder, smiles and growth. Know now, that with a fresh perspective, anything is possible. It’s in the fine print.
Excuses are rationalizations supporting beliefs supporting limitations. 